June 2, 2011
A large container of Folgers coffee abandoned near individual servings of applesauce “Hmm, I’m confused. Which item should I buy for breakfast? Let me ask this lady here. Excuse me, ma’am, if you were a single man, which one of these would you buy? What do I need it for? Well, I don’t have a wife, so I use my microwave a lot. I just heat things up, and I’m good to go. No, no, uh, I know how that sounds, ha ha, but what I mean is that I work a lot, I start early and don’t get off until late. I just need to get things done. A man has needs you know! Oh no, that’s not what I meant…crap, she’s run off to find a security guard. I’m outta here, and on my way to sign up for a cooking class! This is the last time I get mistaken for a pervert because I buy instant foods.”

A large container of Folgers coffee abandoned near individual servings of applesauce

“Hmm, I’m confused. Which item should I buy for breakfast? Let me ask this lady here. Excuse me, ma’am, if you were a single man, which one of these would you buy? What do I need it for? Well, I don’t have a wife, so I use my microwave a lot. I just heat things up, and I’m good to go. No, no, uh, I know how that sounds, ha ha, but what I mean is that I work a lot, I start early and don’t get off until late. I just need to get things done. A man has needs you know! Oh no, that’s not what I meant…crap, she’s run off to find a security guard. I’m outta here, and on my way to sign up for a cooking class! This is the last time I get mistaken for a pervert because I buy instant foods.”

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A bottle of Nesquik chocolate syrup left near boxes of Earl Grey and Green Tea “What’s this? There are different flavours of tea? Yay, no more adding weird things to my orange pekoe in order to spice up my morning cup! This chocolate syrup wouldn’t have been too bad, but the pickle juice and feta combo I tried adding last week almost made me ralph.”

A bottle of Nesquik chocolate syrup left near boxes of Earl Grey and Green Tea

“What’s this? There are different flavours of tea? Yay, no more adding weird things to my orange pekoe in order to spice up my morning cup! This chocolate syrup wouldn’t have been too bad, but the pickle juice and feta combo I tried adding last week almost made me ralph.”

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May 24, 2011
Boxes of apple juice left near kitty litter “Wow, I just had a thought. If I gave my cats somewhere to do their business, I wouldn’t have to pretend that all of those messes in my apartment were spilled apple juice!”

Boxes of apple juice left near kitty litter

“Wow, I just had a thought. If I gave my cats somewhere to do their business, I wouldn’t have to pretend that all of those messes in my apartment were spilled apple juice!”

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A Swiffer Sweeper left near boxes of store-brand jello “Hm, housekeeping or jello shots? My place is a sty, and I’m hosting a party tonight, but if I get my friends drunk enough they’l never notice.”

A Swiffer Sweeper left near boxes of store-brand jello

“Hm, housekeeping or jello shots? My place is a sty, and I’m hosting a party tonight, but if I get my friends drunk enough they’l never notice.”


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May 23, 2011
A pair of sunglasses left near bags of flour “Sigh, I guess I should buy some sunglasses. People are always inviting me to go places and it’s so bright out this time of year. This flour can’t help me protect my eyes, unless I bake and eat so many cupcakes that I can no longer leave my house without the help of a crane! Ooh, challenge accepted!”

A pair of sunglasses left near bags of flour

“Sigh, I guess I should buy some sunglasses. People are always inviting me to go places and it’s so bright out this time of year. This flour can’t help me protect my eyes, unless I bake and eat so many cupcakes that I can no longer leave my house without the help of a crane! Ooh, challenge accepted!”

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December 8, 2010
A can of mackerel in front of cans of Six Fortune mandarin orange juice “Holy mackerel, six fortunes?! Man, I hope one of them is “A windfall is coming for you.” That one is good even without adding “in bed” at the end. -Idea for caption from Jarred V

A can of mackerel in front of cans of Six Fortune mandarin orange juice

“Holy mackerel, six fortunes?! Man, I hope one of them is “A windfall is coming for you.” That one is good even without adding “in bed” at the end.

-Idea for caption from Jarred V


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Many different items unloaded onto a display of Oatmeal Crisp cereal “I just saw a guy unload all of his groceries onto this display and then load up his cart with seventeen boxes of Oatmeal Crisp cereal. I wonder why? Oh, sweet Jesus, tell me he didn’t think they were free because of the promotional offer for yogurt on the box! Yup, here he comes back from the register to unload his “free” cereal and get his regular groceries back. Genius.” -Captioned by Jarred V

Many different items unloaded onto a display of Oatmeal Crisp cereal

“I just saw a guy unload all of his groceries onto this display and then load up his cart with seventeen boxes of Oatmeal Crisp cereal. I wonder why? Oh, sweet Jesus, tell me he didn’t think they were free because of the promotional offer for yogurt on the box! Yup, here he comes back from the register to unload his “free” cereal and get his regular groceries back. Genius.”

-Captioned by Jarred V

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November 26, 2010
Two cans of frozen concentrated orange juice next to bottles of orange Powerade “I was going to buy this frozen orange juice, but wow, this Powerade is so bright it’s practically glowing! I wonder if that’s all the extra vitamins? Whoa, it must be super orange juice! I can’t take any risks with my health, I better go with the neon elixir. Goodbye gout!”

Two cans of frozen concentrated orange juice next to bottles of orange Powerade

“I was going to buy this frozen orange juice, but wow, this Powerade is so bright it’s practically glowing! I wonder if that’s all the extra vitamins? Whoa, it must be super orange juice! I can’t take any risks with my health, I better go with the neon elixir. Goodbye gout!”

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A jar of Prego pasta sauce and a roll of Scotch Tape atop containers of mini biscotti “This reminds me, my preggo wife will be pissed if I don’t bring her something sweet to eat. Maybe I’ll grab some of this chocolate coated biscotti and leave the the tape. As long as she gets her sweets I won’t need to tape our wedding pictures back together.”

A jar of Prego pasta sauce and a roll of Scotch Tape atop containers of mini biscotti

“This reminds me, my preggo wife will be pissed if I don’t bring her something sweet to eat. Maybe I’ll grab some of this chocolate coated biscotti and leave the the tape. As long as she gets her sweets I won’t need to tape our wedding pictures back together.”

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A package of Turtles chocolates next to boxes of Stove Top stuffing “Well it’s a good thing I checked the ingredients list on this recipe before buying these Turtles! Apparently I do not need turtle-shaped pecan-filled chocolates to make a turducken. Hm, what exactly is a turducken then? I’ll just look that up on my phone…oh hell no. That is not happening.”

A package of Turtles chocolates next to boxes of Stove Top stuffing

“Well it’s a good thing I checked the ingredients list on this recipe before buying these Turtles! Apparently I do not need turtle-shaped pecan-filled chocolates to make a turducken. Hm, what exactly is a turducken then? I’ll just look that up on my phone…oh hell no. That is not happening.”

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